Relationship Dependence

There may be some confusion about what relationship dependence means. People keep getting into different, serial relationships impulsively and feel anxious when they are not in a relationship. In this case, relationships work kind of like a substance that makes the person feel better. Being in a relationship becomes a coping strategy. The person has trouble self-regulating emotions if not with another person. In the long run, people feel unsatisfied. They start to realize the pattern of falling in and out of relationships; they want to know why this happens to them to break the pattern.

In another sense, “dependence” can also mean a relationship is based on “codependency”, which is the pattern of enabling a partner to keep using unhealthy coping strategies or doing nothing about their mental illnesses (e.g., untreated bipolar). The enabling partners stay in the relationship and keep sacrificing personal freedom and happiness to help clear up the consequences of the codependent partners’ destructive behaviours. At the same time, they feel unappreciated or resentful that the same pattern happens over and over again. Usually, the enabling partner has low self-esteem and unconsciously feels unworthy of better relationships. Childhood family dynamics that put the person in a caregiving role also keeps the person acting out the same dynamics of taking care of the partner. This role is familiar to the person and makes them feel wanted.

To get out of any of the above situations, the solution is always to first work on oneself: forming healthy self-esteem, working on different parts of self, understanding more about how childhood experiences form attachment styles, improving emotional regulation skills, and moving towards secure attachment style.